living, thinking and writing
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| PRACTICE living, thinking and writing |
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Sunday, November 28, 2004 Lament a death My little brother died yesterday; I cried my eyes out and lost my voice. We were both only child; he is like a brother that I never had, and I’m like the sister he never had, though we have other cousins, but much younger ones. We had the same eyes and mouths, and he was the only playmate I had in my childhood. Strangely, I could not remember and quote any complete exact sentence he ever said, I wish the memory will come back after this sudden shock. He was not a talkative pal anyway, and we don’t talk profoundly. We had been together before we could not talk, so talking is not our way of communication, I guess. I met him mostly on MSN these years. He bought a Lancer last year, and Lancer became his screen name. He used to call himself ‘autojin’ before it was Lancer. Boy, he did love cars, and he had owned several before most of Chinese were able to have one. I don’t know anything about car, so we could not talk about cars. We’ve seldom talked anything serious since long time ago. Our lives were running paralleled after I left home country. Deep in my mind, I knew we would have plenty of time hanging around and talking when I go back home, when we are old. I can’t imagine my older years without him, he is the only one connected my early years, and, I believe, the end of my life. How wrong I am; he left so early. I felt the void of my life; one big piece disappears from the scene of my older years, if I am going to live long. Jin is the same age as me, and he fell down the hill and broke his skull. I can’t match his dear face to the man who fell down the hill and broke his skull, and when I can, I scream the way I can’t wake up from a nightmare. My little brother Jin, he was the tallest and most good looking man in the family, the kind you felt proud to introduce to your teenage girlfriends at high school…This is the saddest moment in my life so far; I’ve never felt so close to presence of death. I must be lucky: I’ve been living in a fairy tale with no immediate death for more than 30 years. I don’t know how to deal with death. This shock is so overwhelmed, I felt so weak, both in my body and my spirit. But strangely, for the first time I felt less scared about death, since someone I’m so close to is waiting on the other side. He is so young, he just celebrated his 31st birthday last week. His mom, my aunt has lost the will of living on. My mom cried so hard too, and she kept asking me: “what do I do if this happens to you?” I’m going to buy a Lancer in the future. I don’t know what I can do to keep him as though alive as long as possible in this world. This might do, and I will also put ‘jin’ in my unborn child’s name. I made a little altar for Jin in my living room, with our pictures together, flowers and candles. I pray to God to take care of him. I wrote a little poem, in Chinese style, on the bouquet I sent to his funeral, and I put three exclamation marks after the word ‘pain’ at the end, as though it can express how painful I really felt. But do all of these make any difference? Can it bring him back to life and heal the pain of the family? I did not receive any education on dealing with death, I felt like a helpless child. How to remember, without pain, someone you love very very much? To me, stop thinking is betrayal, but every memory serves such a pain. Bin said instead of crying all day long, writing something about him would be a better way of remembering. And that’s what I did. Then I realize when we cry for the loss of our love ones, to a great extent, we are crying for ourselves. Death has no impact on the one that dies, but on the ones who live on. I would not know it until I sort out my thoughts in writing. posted by lmeimei @1:54 AM| permanent link| | |
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